After I had been separated from my ex-husband for about 2 or 3 years, I began to "slowly die" on the inside, & went into a very downward spiral mentally & emotionally. I was hiding it on the outside, telling myself I was okay, and basically in a whole lot of denial, yet my actions and behaviors were screaming for help but it seemed no one could or would actually help me. Really, everyone was pretty messed up their selves and didn't know how to save their own self, so I was looking for something in the world that never existed, each day my hopelessless got deeper and deeper the longer no one would "help me". I needed saving, but did not look at God as a savior at that time.
In the midst of my drug addiction and worsening depression, while getting a ride to work from a mutual friend of ours, I met Nicholas Christopher Orta. He was in his addiction also. It goes without saying, though, there was 'something about him' that caught my eye and attention' I just felt different when I was with him. Safe and loved. 2 things I was not very familiar with. Not safe in regards to the fact we did drugs and, well, that's physically not safe at all, but, emotionally he cared & showed concern (something I never really known before). Every single person I had ever been around, had not given me that vibe, or atleast nowhere near as much as Nicholas did. It's not that Nicholas saved me, by any means, but I do believe God used him to come into my life at just that time to give me a small sense of hope back, a feeling like someone actually cared about me and what I was going through. I believe now, as I look back, that played a big part in me eventually getting positive about life again later down the road. I believe that God figured that if He couldn't get me to look at Him as someone who truly cared for me, then He decided to send someone else to care for me on the level only I could understand, at that time. (I was very small-minded then due to my emotional state)...
So, I decided that I wanted to keep Nicholas around, haha!! He was okay, in my book. He was "good people", not like most that just wanted to use me. He made for an excellent friend and I could tell him anything with no judgement whatsoever, just unconditional love. I can't even begin to explain how much that meant to me to have someone like that in my life at at time when I so desperately needed that. I thank God for sending him.
Fast forward about a year, we were still together, but still doing drugs. That naturally started to really takes it toll. Resentments grew. Things got bad. We were going down a dark path, doing things that drug addicts do. Eventually, I lost my kids and my condo. Nicholas never left my side, though, he stuck it out with me and our relationship, never once thought about leaving my side no matter how bad things got. I loved him so much for that deep down in my soul, although I was still a very unhealthy woman.
We go to live in one of those "drugged-out crack houses", ya know the ones where there no water or electricity and you have to get long wires and run them through the entire inside and outside of the house to steal it from the neighbors so you don't to pay for any bills and so you can continue to do your drugs inside the house? It was such a terrible way to live! But we didn't care enough about ourselves to change our lifestyle- not yet anyway. Until one day I decided I was sick and tired of missing my kids. I wanted to get clean but I didn't know how and was VERY confused on how to begin the process to even do that. This was not something I had not ever had to do before - get clean and change my life! All I knew was that my first step was to move somewhere else. I had to get out of that house! Nicholas was not ready to get clean, but I was. I was done.
I left Nicholas one night when he was asleep and he woke up the next morning very distraught to find me gone. I broke his heart and probably damaged him a lot more than he already was in regards to love and intimate relationships. It killed me but I considered my kids more important than anything at that time, and I told myself I had to do it in order to get on a path to get to see them again. But where I went only led me to a path of MORE drugs (and even some abuse) than before. My heart genuinely intended to get clean then, I had just went about it wrong and trusted someone I shouldn't have. But isn't that a trademark of a drug addict? You go about decisions all wrong & are easily taken advantage of & manipulated.
So, just like I left the first place, 3 weeks later, I had to leave the 2nd one. Missed Nicholas terribly and asked him to come back to me. He did!! All the way from CALIFORNIA!! Now, that's love, lol. I didn't deserve it, yet he still came back to me. Few months later, we moved in with his mom and cousin, found out I was pregnant. He was happy, I was pissed, scared, and had only added more to my disappointment in myself. A few months later, at 6 months pregnant, having no idea what to expect, and with Nick still wanting to use, I broke down, finally humbled myself, and went to REHAB.
My life and relationship with my children did begin to slowly get better from that point, though life circumstances were still very difficult to maintain and deal with and accept. To make matters worse, when my new baby turned 6 months old, we found out he did not belong to Nick. Talk about a blow to the heart. I had unintentionally crushed Nick AGAIN. I could see and feel his spirit literally so deeply saddened by the news, I remember wanting to just fall down and never get up for how I had hurt him AGAIN. I knew after that, he would never look at me, nor love me, the same ever again.
After rehab and living in homeless shelters / facilities, I eventually acquired housing and an apartment and now knew how to stay clean and had every intention of doing so so that I could continue to get the privealage of seeing my sons. Nick stayed around 2 more years with us, coming around off and on, to the apartment, yet, still in his addiction. There was no way I could allow him to be too close to us because I was afraid the courts would not let me see my kids again if they found out I was still with Nick and he was using, they were sure to think I was also. So I kept him at a distance and criticized him for not getting clean so he could be there with us. There were several disagreements and harsh words and resentments, feelings had changed between the two of us, and, for quite some time, no matter what we did, we just couldn't get back to where we once were. Then one day, he left to go back to CA, and didn't come back.
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