It was pure anguish to accept and face the fact I was to blame for his pain. That is like something no woman should ever do to a man. Making them believe a kid is theirs that really isn't? "What the heck is wrong with me and why did I do that to someone I loved dearly?" I asked myself these questions over and over and well, that seems to be exactly why I did it - because Nick was the one I really loved and wanted to be with and the one I wanted to be the real father of Jacob, so I tried to make a reality out of something that wasn't the truth. I was really messed up. What can I say more than that? But all that was about to change. I really had gotten to a breaking point now of being ultimately SO sick and doggone tired of all the failures of my family members and my love relationships not working out. Time for a change! A Big one!!!It was too much!! If I was going to have to remain living here on this earth with all these burdens to carry and problems to resolve, then ... it's time! Let's Fix IT, and let's do it the right way this time!!
That's definitely one of the things I love and cherish about God. He gave me another day to try it again. He gave me more and more chances to get it right and start over. He gave that to me as many times as I needed to get it right. His love, grace & mercy never ends. I still cry whenever I think about it all over again how He NEVER gave up on me. No matter what I have done and for however long I have been doing it. He gave me chances even when another chance is the LAST thing I deserved.
From rehab(2013), to shelters(2013-2014), to my apartment(2014-present), to the couple of years after Nick moved back to CA, there was about 1-2 years that went by before we would see or talk to or hear from Nick again. During this time, I had blocked him from all communication because I was really mad at him for leaving us behind, but mostly mad at him for, what I felt like, was him abandoning Jacob. I had to watch another child of mine live without a father and that was a sore spot for me. Nick was the only father Jacob had ever known. But, really, I had myself to blame, but it wasn't Jacob's fault and he seemed to be the one getting punished for it. It was just overall a really sucky situation for everyone. But it did have its purpose in our lives. Somehow God would still USE it to bring about beautiful things, but not til later could we see it that way.
I found out that Nick had came back to Texas, was still getting into some trouble & had to go to rehab, and I was in the middle of a custody battle to get full custody back of my kids. I did take Jacob to go visit him there a few times to make sure he was going to be okay, but soon enough the head CPS person on my case told me there is no way I am ever going to get even close to getting my kids back so long as Nick is still in the picture, he said they would come in and remove them AGAIN from me if I tried to bring him back into the home. If he was trying to scare me, it worked. So, I divorced Nick in 2016 while he was living in a court-enforced rehab program. Divorce is not the outcome I wanted, but if I'm being completely honest, at that time, it made sense in my mind. Nick expressed he didn't really want it, either, but he did not fight that hard against it, either, because he knew my mind was made up and he respected that.
I eventually won custody back in 2017 of my sons. My mom life began to get better and better with time. It improved little-by-little and I was able to be involved with them full-time again. Things were not all 100% positive, but atleast I had God to thank for all that He had done in my life and how much He transformed me- it was an outright miracle compared to the mom I used to be. I stayed involved with my kids and in church and continued to learn so much and grow into a respectful young woman who loved Jesus and who now lives out His principles and helps serve others and loved every second of it. I was becoming the woman God created me to be. Amazing! There absolutely nothing in this whole world like knowing you're on the right path for God that He purposely planned just for you. Walking in His purpose is such a loving feeling I can't describe- you just have to find out for yourself.
Summer of 2018 rolls around and something inside me begins to desire to pray for my 2 ex-husbands: Chris & Nick. I believe God put that desire there. Previously, I had many resentments towards them and couldn't have mustered up the motivation to do this, but I had been working on myself and finding the beauty forgiveness offers. So, I listened and began to pray every night before going to sleep that God would help them to desire a relationship with Jesus (for Salvation) and also, so they can become better fathers to their children, which were our children. I prayed for them for about 6 months straight.
I've always heard the saying in church, "Pray earnestly and then give God time to work to answer that prayer- give Him about 1-2 years". Well, I found this to theory to be very true in this case. Both my ex-husbands came back into our lives within the next 1-2 years. It wasn't all easy or wonderful, and a lot of discussions, tears, and disagreements had to be made, but after the dust settled, these 2 men are now back and permanently a part of me and my childrens' lives. They aren't 100% the God-honoring and God-obeying father-figure type men I would prefer them to be, but they are different than before and, for that, I'm very grateful. They are both older now, more mature, and are willing to be there for the kids and I can call them for help should I need it. We learned to be friends, and, at one point, I NEVER thought that would be possible. EVER. That's what God does when we let Him be the God of our lives- He does impossible things.
The year of Covid: (2020) - a few months after it all started, I hear from Nick that he might be moving back to Texas soon. Later that year, October 31st, 2020, he did. He wanted to know if he could be back in Jacob's life again, I agreed to let him, with some boundaries at first, of course. I was proud of myself for learning to forgive & forget, to put my feelings aside, and do what was in the best interest of my son. There wasn't any other man coming around wanting to love and be Jacob's father, so why not appreciate the one man who is atleast trying to? God was softening my heart towards these fathers. I truly believed God brought Nick back just for that reason, to be there for Jacob.
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