Short Testimonial of My Life (Summarized)

 I use to never think about God as the Author of Romance. I use to think something was wrong with me for having feelings, as perceivable as romance is, passion as perceivable as sex is, and strong desire to be married or connected to someone forever, (only to find out how painful it can be when it goes wrong), and, yet, every heartbreaking detail of my love life caused me to tally it up in my mind to believe that it somehow all meant something was really wrong with me for it failing. That, or I am supposed to feel this way, I've just been doing it wrong. Both of which were very heavy for me to deal with for many years. 

I use not know that God has given us everything that pertains to life and godliness and relationships and the true knowledge of Him who has called us in His Word. But He does. Do I have blame and regret? Absolutely! To my mother, God and myself, and I wish I could have realized the truth about God a lot sooner than I did to avoid a lot of extreme pain for everyone, but this is exactly how God allowed it to play out, and He had His reasons for it, which I now appreciate, because of what it all taught me and how, looking back, He carried me through things I never should have survived. 

I grew up poor with just me and my mom. My mom was schitzophrenic, bipolar,  physically, verbally, emotionally and mentally abusive. Hardly any moments of genuine TLC. My dad was caring for another family he created, as he rightfully should have been, but my mom blocked him from my life due to that. I witnessed energy (for the first 13 years of my life) that was nothing but anger, bitterness, hatred, disgust, immaturity, mental episodes, depression, and selfishness. It wasn't until I was 15 that I met my dad and began to get another side of the story, and it wasn't until I was 18 that I realized the extent of the mental illness my mom had. But the damage had been done, and so it still was a long journey ahead before I would find what the word love really meant or what it looked like. 

From 17-27, I was in a decade-long web of a toxic relationship/marriage, which I take responsibility for, as I was a very unhealthy young woman & knew how toxic it was from the beginning and still chose to stay for as long as I did. I gave birth to 4 wonderful sons, 1 of which passed away of pneumonia at 3 months old. I was like Leah in the bible, one of Jacob's wives, she kept continuing to give Jacob several children in hopes that would one day make him love her properly. But it didn't. It doesn't work like that. 

From 27-31, I was even  more lost than ever before because now I am single for the first time since being a teenager, and don't have much positive experience about life or who I really am outside of really negative experiences. Divorce is super hard. Especially with children involved. I remember not caring if I lived or died. Death might have been better than this, I remember thinking. I wasn't even capable of loving or appreciating the children God blessed me. I wanted to badly, but I didn't know how to love myself first, which is a requirement of loving anyone else. I allowed myself to get very deeply involved in a life of heavy drug use of methamphetamines and a few other bad ones, as well. I believed I was not capable of being loved, that I was a very bad person, girl, woman, mom, etc and that no one would ever love me, everyone would just continue to use and hurt me, because no one ever had loved me properly before, and there was no reason to continue living. I REALLY thought this. 

Next, I lost my kids to CPS, I overdosed, died, got brought back to life by the hospital staff I was taken to, and then got pregnant with my 5th blessing- another son. There is something so powerful about the thought of how God used Life & Death literally happening simultaneously in my life to get my attention. What is this? Why is this happening? I thought I wasn't deserving of living or being anyone's mother. I thought I deserved to die. Why did God bring me back to life, and then give me even more life to take care of? I couldn't even take care of the life I already had. It didn't line up or make sense with the God I thought I knew. So, I began to have lots of questions for Him, and I wanted answers!!

I went ALL-IN. Rehab, church involvement, Recovery, 12-steps programs, sponsors, mentors, bible studies, church sermons/ services, life group involvement, more bible studies, I read the bible and was fascinated with what all I learned about God's character and.... about His love for all of us, despite the things we must endure while here on earth. I fought for 3 years in a long custody battle to earn visitation and custody back of my sons, but they had been traumatized, so things have not been all positive, nor did they get better overnight, and my relationships with them were going to take lots of time to heal. I had a lot of forgiving to do, so did they, and there was a lot of work to be done. As many years as it took me to ruin my life, it would take a lot as well to repair it. With God, it was possible, that's all I knew and that was enough for me. And I absolutely fell in love with Him. The 1st man ever that loved me properly, and with everything He had. This one even died for me to live. He never had nor will He give up on me. I couldn't physically see or touch Him, but I knew He was there with me and had been all along. The more I learned about Him in my new Christian walk, the more in love I fell. I still fall in love with Him even more every time I spend time with Him, or read His word by myself to "hear" Him speak to me. He is with me, always. The Creator of the whole world lives inside me and loves me and guides me. He wants me near to Him always, and will never stop correcting me to do what's right. He never gives up on me and said I am worth being cherished. Not that I don't have people in my life that love me, but none will ever do it like Jesus does or has or will. #ForeverInAweOfHim

8 years I went to the same church for almost every activity I could muster the time, energy and gas to attend. I served and volunteered on countless occasions, just wanting to give back some of what I had been so graciously given. Covid hit and so many things started to change. Different dynamics, people left new people came, church created new ways of doing things and got rid of a few of my favorite things, some familiar leaders had to change campuses, our LG got split up into two, and therefore ceased to exist the way it had been before. And, on top of all of that, one of our dearest leaders most of us looked up to and loved very much, passed away. Everything changed, and I started college and just eventually no longer went. I was devastated and sad at all the changes, and I could feel God pulling me away from there, though I tried to fight it. It was time for a new season in my life, and God had it all planned out for me. All I had to do was accept it and trust Him. 

Currently, as of today, May 17th, 2022: I am working full-time, going to school, and taking care of my family the best I can. I am also an entrepreneur and getting so close to reaching my calling. My purpose. Ya know, that THING that God created you for? I'm always striving for that, to know what it is, for confirmation I am on the right track to it. I just want to love God back as much as possible. He SAVED me!! In ways no one ever has or will. I'm forever grateful and indebted to HIM!! Anything I can learn from Him, I'm ready and willing!!

I was single from 2015 til 2021, though I struggled with loneliness very much. I was so loved by the only one that really mattered to be loved by, yet, my natural flesh burned with desires and I had to learn how to cool them down and gain control over them. It was hard, but all done in love by Jesus to prepare me for a great marriage one day. So many tears I had to shed and so many demons I had to face. Will never be perfect, but I can confidently say that I am over a huge milestone in my life. I had overcame large obstacles and emotional issues that were holding me back. I love God for revealing things at just the right time. He knows what I need and when I'm ready to receive something. This I like to pretend I know, but I don't and cannot see everything the way He can. It is such a relief to know God is always right there , before me, and goes after me, and already has it all figured out. I still need to take action when it is needed, but, ultimately, I don't have to figure it all out - His burden is light and He will carry my heavy ones. All of them, all of yours, all of ours, for everyone. Because that's WHO HE IS. 

God brought an ex back into my life the end of October 2020, the year of Covid. Someone I was involved in a relationship with during my drug addiction. A man that I had written off and was mad at and blocked. A man that had let me down, in my mind, just like everyone else had. But during the 5 years we spent not communicating at all, God was working on us, as He always is with all of us. During that time apart, I grew to understand that I cannot depend on a man to do everything I think He should, and I learned areas where I have been in the wrong in my previous romantic relationships, and where I went wrong with this particular man, because all men are unique, different and no 2 are alike. God also used His Holy Spirit to create a desire in me to start praying for this man out-of-nowhere in 2018, 2 years before he came back into our lives. I prayed for him every night for about 6 - 8 months. I prayed 2 important things: that he regains his relationship w/ Jesus and wants to become a better man/father to his son. Never prayed for us to get back together, though. And I did not realize how much deep emotions I still had for him romantically until he came back and showed he still loved me too. 

I'm saving this story for the next few blogs so be sure and go read them, but, for now: I said all of that to say this: God ordains all of our steps, has a great plan and purpose and calling for each of us, and loves us endlessly and infinitely. He knows who He wants us to marry and why, and how our union with our spouse will help fulfill our calling even more for His Kingdom. I still cry many tears of joy every time I think about all He has done and is still going to do. 

The Beginning of Him and I ...

 After I had been separated from my ex-husband for about 2 or 3 years, I began to "slowly die" on the inside, & went into a very downward spiral mentally & emotionally. I was hiding it on the outside, telling myself I was okay, and basically in a whole lot of denial, yet my actions and behaviors were screaming for help but it seemed no one could or would actually help me. Really, everyone was pretty messed up their selves and didn't know how to save their own self, so I was looking for something in the world that never existed, each day my hopelessless got deeper and deeper the longer no one would "help me". I needed saving, but did not look at God as a savior at that time. 

In the midst of my drug addiction and worsening depression, while getting a ride to work from a mutual friend of ours, I met Nicholas Christopher Orta. He was in his addiction also. It goes without saying, though, there was 'something about him' that caught my eye and attention' I just felt different when I was with him. Safe and loved. 2 things I was not very familiar with. Not safe in regards to the fact we did drugs and, well, that's physically not safe at all, but, emotionally he cared & showed concern (something I never really known before). Every single person I had ever been around, had not given me that vibe, or atleast nowhere near as much as Nicholas did. It's not that Nicholas saved me, by any means, but I do believe God used him to come into my life at just that time to give me a small sense of hope back, a feeling like someone actually cared about me and what I was going through. I believe now, as I look back, that played a big part in me eventually getting positive about life again later down the road. I believe that God figured that if He couldn't get me to look at Him as someone who truly cared for me, then He decided to send someone else to care for me on the level only I could understand, at that time. (I was very small-minded then due to my emotional state)...

So, I decided that I wanted to keep Nicholas around, haha!! He was okay, in my book. He was "good people", not like most that just wanted to use me. He made for an excellent friend and I could tell him anything with no judgement whatsoever, just unconditional love. I can't even begin to explain how much that meant to me to have someone like that in my life at at time when I so desperately needed that. I thank God for sending him. 

Fast forward about a year, we were still together, but still doing drugs. That naturally started to really takes it toll. Resentments grew. Things got bad. We were going down a dark path, doing things that drug addicts do. Eventually, I lost my kids and my condo. Nicholas never left my side, though, he stuck it out with me and our relationship, never once thought about leaving my side no matter how bad things got. I loved him so much for that deep down in my soul, although I was still a very unhealthy woman. 

We go to live in one of those "drugged-out crack houses", ya know the ones where there no water or electricity and you have to get long wires and run them through the entire inside and outside of the house to steal it from the neighbors so you don't to pay for any bills and so you can continue to do your drugs inside the house? It was such a terrible way to live! But we didn't care enough about ourselves to change our lifestyle- not yet anyway. Until one day I decided I was sick and tired of missing my kids. I wanted to get clean but I didn't know how and was VERY confused on how to begin the process to even do that. This was not something I had not ever had to do before - get clean and change my life! All I knew was that my first step was to move somewhere else. I had to get out of that house! Nicholas was not ready to get clean, but I was. I was done. 

I left Nicholas one night when he was asleep and he woke up the next morning very distraught to find me gone. I broke his heart and probably damaged him a lot more than he already was in regards to love and intimate relationships. It killed me but I considered my kids more important than anything at that time, and I told myself I had to do it in order to get on a path to get to see them again. But where I went only led me to a path of MORE drugs (and even some abuse) than before. My heart genuinely intended to get clean then, I had just went about it wrong and trusted someone I shouldn't have. But isn't that a trademark of a drug addict? You go about decisions all wrong & are easily taken advantage of & manipulated.

So, just like I left the first place, 3 weeks later, I had to leave the 2nd one. Missed Nicholas terribly and asked him to come back to me. He did!! All the way from CALIFORNIA!! Now, that's love, lol. I didn't deserve it, yet he still came back to me. Few months later, we moved in with his mom and cousin, found out I was pregnant. He was happy, I was pissed, scared, and had only added more to my disappointment in myself. A few months later, at 6 months pregnant, having no idea what to expect, and with Nick still wanting to use, I broke down, finally humbled myself, and went to REHAB. 

My life and relationship with my children did begin to slowly get better from that point, though life circumstances were still very difficult to maintain and deal with and accept. To make matters worse, when my new baby turned 6 months old, we found out he did not belong to Nick. Talk about a blow to the heart. I had unintentionally crushed Nick AGAIN. I could see and feel his spirit literally so deeply saddened by the news, I remember wanting to just fall down and never get up for how I had hurt him AGAIN. I knew after that, he would never look at me, nor love me, the same ever again. 

After rehab and living in homeless shelters / facilities, I eventually acquired housing and an apartment and now knew how to stay clean and had every intention of doing so so that I could continue to get the privealage of seeing my sons. Nick stayed around 2 more years with us, coming around off and on, to the apartment, yet, still in his addiction. There was no way I could allow him to be too close to us because I was afraid the courts would not let me see my kids again if they found out I was still with Nick and he was using, they were sure to think I was also. So I kept him at a distance and criticized him for not getting clean so he could be there with us. There were several disagreements and harsh words and resentments, feelings had changed between the two of us, and, for quite some time, no matter what we did, we just couldn't get back to where we once were. Then one day, he left to go back to CA, and didn't come back. 

What God Did During Our 5 Year Gap.. Restored me to Him, myself, and my family

 It was pure anguish to accept and face the fact I was to blame for his pain. That is like something no woman should ever do to a man. Making them believe a kid is theirs that really isn't? "What the heck is wrong with me and why did I do that to someone I loved dearly?" I asked myself these questions over and over and well, that seems to be exactly why I did it - because Nick was the one I really loved and wanted to be with and the one I wanted to be the real father of Jacob, so I tried to make a reality out of something that wasn't the truth. I was really messed up. What can I say more than that? But all that was about to change. I really had gotten to a breaking point now of being ultimately SO sick and doggone tired of all the failures of my family members and my love relationships not working out. Time for a change! A Big one!!!It was too much!! If I was going to have to remain living here on this earth with all these burdens to carry and problems to resolve, then ... it's time! Let's Fix IT, and let's do it the right way this time!!

That's definitely one of the things I love and cherish about God. He gave me another day to try it again. He gave me more and more chances to get it right and start over. He gave that to me as many times as I needed to get it right. His love, grace & mercy never ends. I still cry whenever I think about it all over again how He NEVER gave up on me. No matter what I have done and for however long I have been doing it. He gave me chances even when another chance is the LAST thing I deserved.

From rehab(2013), to shelters(2013-2014), to my apartment(2014-present), to the couple of years after Nick moved back to CA, there was about 1-2 years that went by before we would see or talk to or hear from Nick again. During this time, I had blocked him from all communication because I was really mad at him for leaving us behind, but mostly mad at him for, what I felt like, was him abandoning Jacob. I had to watch another child of mine live without a father and that was a sore spot for me. Nick was the only father Jacob had ever known. But, really, I had myself to blame, but it wasn't Jacob's fault and he seemed to be the one getting punished for it. It was just overall a really sucky situation for everyone. But it did have its purpose in our lives. Somehow God would still USE it to bring about beautiful things, but not til later could we see it that way. 

I found out that Nick had came back to Texas, was still getting into some trouble & had to go to rehab, and I was in the middle of a custody battle to get full custody back of my kids. I did take Jacob to go visit him there a few times to make sure he was going to be okay, but soon enough the head CPS person on my case told me there is no way I am ever going to get even close to getting my kids back so long as Nick is still in the picture, he said they would come in and remove them AGAIN from me if I tried to bring him back into the home. If he was trying to scare me, it worked. So, I divorced Nick in 2016 while he was living in a court-enforced rehab program. Divorce is not the outcome I wanted, but if I'm being completely honest, at that time, it made sense in my mind. Nick expressed he didn't really want it, either, but he did not fight that hard against it, either, because he knew my mind was made up and he respected that. 

I eventually won custody back in 2017 of my sons. My mom life began to get better and better with time. It improved little-by-little and I was able to be involved with them full-time again. Things were not all 100% positive, but atleast I had God to thank for all that He had done in my life and how much He transformed me- it was an outright miracle compared to the mom I used to be. I stayed involved with my kids and in church and continued to learn so much and grow into a respectful young woman who loved Jesus and who now lives out His principles and helps serve others and loved every second of it. I was becoming the woman God created me to be. Amazing! There absolutely nothing in this whole world like knowing you're on the right path for God that He purposely planned just for you. Walking in His purpose is such a loving feeling I can't describe- you just have to find out for yourself. 

Summer of 2018 rolls around and something inside me begins to desire to pray for my 2 ex-husbands: Chris & Nick. I believe God put that desire there. Previously, I had many resentments towards them and couldn't have mustered up the motivation to do this, but I had been working on myself and finding the beauty forgiveness offers. So, I listened and began to pray every night before going to sleep that God would help them to desire a relationship with Jesus (for Salvation) and also, so they can become better fathers to their children, which were our children. I prayed for them for about 6 months straight.

I've always heard the saying in church, "Pray earnestly and then give God time to work to answer that prayer- give Him about 1-2 years". Well, I found this to theory to be very true in this case. Both my ex-husbands came back into our lives within the next 1-2 years. It wasn't all easy or wonderful, and a lot of discussions, tears, and disagreements had to be made, but after the dust settled, these 2 men are now back and permanently a part of me and my childrens' lives. They aren't 100% the God-honoring and God-obeying father-figure type men I would prefer them to be, but they are different than before and, for that, I'm very grateful. They are both older now, more mature, and are willing to be there for the kids and I can call them for help should I need it. We learned to be friends, and, at one point, I NEVER thought that would be possible. EVER. That's what God does when we let Him be the God of our lives- He does impossible things. 

The year of Covid: (2020) - a few months after it all started, I hear from Nick that he might be moving back to Texas soon. Later that year, October 31st, 2020, he did. He wanted to know if he could be back in Jacob's life again, I agreed to let him, with some boundaries at first, of course. I was proud of myself for learning to forgive & forget, to put my feelings aside, and do what was in the best interest of my son. There wasn't any other man coming around wanting to love and be Jacob's father, so why not appreciate the one man who is atleast trying to? God was softening my heart towards these fathers. I truly believed God brought Nick back just for that reason, to be there for Jacob. 

Re-Discovering Our Love For Each Other (this time with God in our lives)

 Things took an unexpected turn and it wasn't too long after Nicholas returned home here to Dallas, Texas that I realized he still had a "thing for me". Lol....there was flirting, facial expressions, body language, in-uendos, & invitation to a date. I blew them off at first as him just joking around for some laughs and giggles. But something in his smiles and laughs and emojiis started to tell me he really liked me again... ( and he told me on Christmas Eve that he had a crush on me ). 

Tons of different emotions crept up to the surface for me and I knew I had to handle this situation VERY carefully. I had been studying how to do relationships God's way for quite some time now but I still was not prepared for this - because there was a past with this man that did not get resolved properly when it ended, so, I immediately felt like this might be my opportunity to get some forgiveness between us, ya know, to finally talk about what happened and where we went wrong so we could reconcile. But I actually didn't think God was doing this for us to reconcile, at first, I thought God was giving me an opportunity to get some deeper forgiveness and give some too. I thought it was God giving me this situation to practice newer levels of making amends. And I was all too happy to do that. 

So, what did I do? I allowed myself to PRESS IN. I "pressed into it" and found that Nick still had resentments and deep-set pain and heartache very much still a part of him from what I had done to him 7 years ago. He tried to hide it and pretend on the surface he was all good, but the more I pressed in with him, the more it was revealed and he could no longer hide the fact that he was still hurt as if it had just happened to him yesterday. That was heartbreaking for me when I discovered that, because it means he had been holding onto and carrying that pain for quite some time and, well, that's a heavy burden to weigh yourself down with. It most definitely had been negatively effecting him and all his decisions these past years, and most likely blocked him from having another REAL love relationship at all. My heart was being pulled and yanked on-  my heart went out to him. I never wanted to comfort a man so much as I did him. 

The first 6-7 months of 2021 from about January to July, him and I went back and forth attempting a romantic relationship. I was honest-to-God just trying to get some amends between us, nothing more, but something was BROUGHT OUT of me that I didn't know was still there either. Apparently, I was still in love with him also and I never knew those actual feelings were even there inside me. I thought I was over him and I have not looked at him in that way or romantically at all since we've been apart from each other's lives. God can be sneaky sometimes, lol. God had surpressed my love for Nick only to un-surpress it at a later time. It kind of blew my mind, I'm usually very self-aware. Anyhow, it was hard to control my emotions once I knew how much we still loved each other. I did not stop trying and asking him over and over to forgive me. I had such a strong urge to make him believe that I really did love him, I always had, that I just made a huge mistake in my addiction, never meant to hurt him and told him several times why he should give me another chance. Wow, I didn't see this coming. Me? Asking a man, possibly even begging him, to be with me? But he wasn't just any man. Nick is special and I knew it. 

There was confusion, yearning, desires, prayers, tears, fears, love, passion, only to be followed by more confusion, and then short periods where we avoided each other, but then instantly had to get back to each other - there is an undeniable fire between us and a deep-rooted spark and that foundation had been set in motion a long time ago back when we were first together. What happened to us was LIFE- Life happened and we had met in very bad times in each other's lives, but we were in a different time now and I wanted him to see the real me - the me without the drugs, because me with drugs is all he ever knew. I really am such a loyal hearted and devoted woman when I am without the drugs, I needed him to know that. 

Nick was not a man-of-God at this time, so that made me very hesitant, but yet, I also was crying and reaching out to God like I had never before in my whole entire life! What the heck was happening to  me? WHy am I crying so hard everyday like this every time I think of Nick and I? God HAD TO BE causing this... Even if Nick did forgive me, I still couldn't be with him because he wasn't a man of God and I knew better - God's word says not to be un-equally yoked. So I prayed and cried, prayed and cried. I tried to avoid the crying part but it was no use. It did feel really good to get all that crying out though, it was a very healing cleaning process for me. It was hard, but it changed me for the better. 

Though-out our romantic struggles of trying to find some sort of common ground for reconciliation, I was beginning to give up the pursuit and just let bygones be bygones, then Nick relapsed again after being clean since he returned to Texas. Welp, I thought, there's my answer : me and Jacob just need to back off from his life for awhile again and give God time to do more work on him and in his life. Perhaps I was distracting him from God? So, I left him alone for about 2-3 months. Nothing. Nada.

Then, September of 2021,  I get a call from his mom that he had a hard time dealing with life's terms and broke down and had willingly signed himself up to go to a Christian Men's Discipleship Home 2 hours away. Every since, he has stayed clean, told me he forgives me, and has shown with his actions that yes he really meant it. I have been there for him, wrote letters almost everyday, and expressed how grateful I am, in both my words and actions, that he decided to go that extra difficult mile and forgive me. It has been nothing-short-of-a-miracle that I get to feel this way and go through this type of restoration in the area of my love life with him. Most people do NOT get a second chance at their love like we have. I'm one BLESSED gal. If you knew God and Nick the way I know them, you would totally agree. For now, you'll just have to take my word for it, 

Here Is What I Have Learned About God...

 God says in several places in His Word that our romantic relationship we have with a spouse here on earth is meant to reflect or resemble God's love for us and His people ( His church body as a whole ). I have came to believe this, not only by reading the bible and believing it just because its in the bible and I'm told that if I'm a Christian I must believe it, but I believe what He has said in His Word because, so far, the way my love story has unfolded, it is resembling my relationship with Jesus. Let me explain....

For one thing, God did something highly unexpected. I wrote Nick off as "one of my mistakes" and never considered we would ever reconcile, but God. Another thing, God literally took dead ashes of our previous love, relationship and marriage circumstances, and somehow, I don't know how, God managed to bring so much beauty our of those ashes where dead things used to be. He brought them to life again. Only God has power of life over death! 

A 3rd reason is : Nick has certain characteristics about him that remind me of characteristics of God. Those certain characteristics are ones I cherish and hold dear to me in regards to my personal preference of how I like to be loved in any kind of a relationship. They are ones that come naturally to God and Nick and make me feel so safe, secure, respected, loved, adored and cherished, like I can be myself and not afraid of freely being me in all capacities. God created all men & women differently and everyone has different love languages so my preferences of top values in a man might be very different from the next woman, but, for me, it just feels like Nick is the right fit. I hope that makes sense. Not in a way that I am desperate for this to workout and so I am over-highlighting certain values of his, no, more like Nick came with values that I didn't even know I needed and wanted until all this happened. 

God also says in His word that we are to date with a goal of marriage in mind. And when we do marry, it is for life, no man can separate it. I wasn't so sure a love like that here on earth could possibly exist, or with me, but God....lol.... God is showing me more levels of Himself and what all He is capable of the longer I continue to focus on Him and the more I intentionally pursue a relationship with Him. The more I open myself to His teaching and His word, the more I chase after God's heart and get to know Him, the more and more I get blessed in ways I can't even imagine would happen. 

Nick and I do not have a perfect relationship and I certainly am not trying to portray there is such a thing as that. However, there is a perfect God and HE....HE has a love that is pure and true and surreal and He weaved us in our mother's womb so He is the only one that knows us in and all throughout our entire being, and He is the one that gave all of us our unique life experiences that grew us in different ways to become who we are meant to be. That is why He must be the head of our lives and of all our relationships and/  or marriage. It's just how it is. It is how it must be. In my experience, you can take the time and learn it for yourself, but I am here to proclaim that none of my attempted relationships ever worked nor were any true or pure like the love I share with God and now Nick too. None of them. When I tried to go by my own relationships rules and thought I didn't need God, it all ended up simply pointing me right back to the fact that I indeed did need Him very much so. I blatantly turned my back on God for years and although I did succeed in finding relationships, they ended in me needing emotional heart surgery from the only one that can repair my heart=the maker of  my heart. Doing things my way only got me in a deep world of pain that God had to come and rescue me from and He is the ONLY ONE that can or ever will fill that role. 

Today, Nicholas and I got engaged. 💓🙏 (5/21/22)