Things took an unexpected turn and it wasn't too long after Nicholas returned home here to Dallas, Texas that I realized he still had a "thing for me". Lol....there was flirting, facial expressions, body language, in-uendos, & invitation to a date. I blew them off at first as him just joking around for some laughs and giggles. But something in his smiles and laughs and emojiis started to tell me he really liked me again... ( and he told me on Christmas Eve that he had a crush on me ).
Tons of different emotions crept up to the surface for me and I knew I had to handle this situation VERY carefully. I had been studying how to do relationships God's way for quite some time now but I still was not prepared for this - because there was a past with this man that did not get resolved properly when it ended, so, I immediately felt like this might be my opportunity to get some forgiveness between us, ya know, to finally talk about what happened and where we went wrong so we could reconcile. But I actually didn't think God was doing this for us to reconcile, at first, I thought God was giving me an opportunity to get some deeper forgiveness and give some too. I thought it was God giving me this situation to practice newer levels of making amends. And I was all too happy to do that.
So, what did I do? I allowed myself to PRESS IN. I "pressed into it" and found that Nick still had resentments and deep-set pain and heartache very much still a part of him from what I had done to him 7 years ago. He tried to hide it and pretend on the surface he was all good, but the more I pressed in with him, the more it was revealed and he could no longer hide the fact that he was still hurt as if it had just happened to him yesterday. That was heartbreaking for me when I discovered that, because it means he had been holding onto and carrying that pain for quite some time and, well, that's a heavy burden to weigh yourself down with. It most definitely had been negatively effecting him and all his decisions these past years, and most likely blocked him from having another REAL love relationship at all. My heart was being pulled and yanked on- my heart went out to him. I never wanted to comfort a man so much as I did him.
The first 6-7 months of 2021 from about January to July, him and I went back and forth attempting a romantic relationship. I was honest-to-God just trying to get some amends between us, nothing more, but something was BROUGHT OUT of me that I didn't know was still there either. Apparently, I was still in love with him also and I never knew those actual feelings were even there inside me. I thought I was over him and I have not looked at him in that way or romantically at all since we've been apart from each other's lives. God can be sneaky sometimes, lol. God had surpressed my love for Nick only to un-surpress it at a later time. It kind of blew my mind, I'm usually very self-aware. Anyhow, it was hard to control my emotions once I knew how much we still loved each other. I did not stop trying and asking him over and over to forgive me. I had such a strong urge to make him believe that I really did love him, I always had, that I just made a huge mistake in my addiction, never meant to hurt him and told him several times why he should give me another chance. Wow, I didn't see this coming. Me? Asking a man, possibly even begging him, to be with me? But he wasn't just any man. Nick is special and I knew it.
There was confusion, yearning, desires, prayers, tears, fears, love, passion, only to be followed by more confusion, and then short periods where we avoided each other, but then instantly had to get back to each other - there is an undeniable fire between us and a deep-rooted spark and that foundation had been set in motion a long time ago back when we were first together. What happened to us was LIFE- Life happened and we had met in very bad times in each other's lives, but we were in a different time now and I wanted him to see the real me - the me without the drugs, because me with drugs is all he ever knew. I really am such a loyal hearted and devoted woman when I am without the drugs, I needed him to know that.
Nick was not a man-of-God at this time, so that made me very hesitant, but yet, I also was crying and reaching out to God like I had never before in my whole entire life! What the heck was happening to me? WHy am I crying so hard everyday like this every time I think of Nick and I? God HAD TO BE causing this... Even if Nick did forgive me, I still couldn't be with him because he wasn't a man of God and I knew better - God's word says not to be un-equally yoked. So I prayed and cried, prayed and cried. I tried to avoid the crying part but it was no use. It did feel really good to get all that crying out though, it was a very healing cleaning process for me. It was hard, but it changed me for the better.
Though-out our romantic struggles of trying to find some sort of common ground for reconciliation, I was beginning to give up the pursuit and just let bygones be bygones, then Nick relapsed again after being clean since he returned to Texas. Welp, I thought, there's my answer : me and Jacob just need to back off from his life for awhile again and give God time to do more work on him and in his life. Perhaps I was distracting him from God? So, I left him alone for about 2-3 months. Nothing. Nada.
Then, September of 2021, I get a call from his mom that he had a hard time dealing with life's terms and broke down and had willingly signed himself up to go to a Christian Men's Discipleship Home 2 hours away. Every since, he has stayed clean, told me he forgives me, and has shown with his actions that yes he really meant it. I have been there for him, wrote letters almost everyday, and expressed how grateful I am, in both my words and actions, that he decided to go that extra difficult mile and forgive me. It has been nothing-short-of-a-miracle that I get to feel this way and go through this type of restoration in the area of my love life with him. Most people do NOT get a second chance at their love like we have. I'm one BLESSED gal. If you knew God and Nick the way I know them, you would totally agree. For now, you'll just have to take my word for it,
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